10 points

10 points for your consideration, and that may help put all my inane ramblings in the B5C in some semblance of perspective.

1) No, I don’t take any of this very seriously. Of course I howl and yelp and scream profanely from time to time. That’s just part of who I am. I also overreact to stubbing my toe, have farted in church, and have been known to make faces at small children. I’m pretty OK with all of these facets of my personality. If you aren’t and anything I’ve written is causing you emotional (or intestinal!) distress, I would ask that you just send me a kindly worded note expressing your opinion. I of course reserve the right to ignore what you’ve written, just as you should reserve the right to not read my inspirational prose. That said, it is never my intention to hurt with what I write, so I would ask that you bear that in mind and pull up your big boy pants before you send me hate mail.

2) Where possible I try to refrain from identifying specific people here. I realize a lot of my bitching could be taken personally. If you think you recognize someone you know on here as one of my absurd villains, I assure you that you are probably wrong. If you think you recognize yourself then chances are you have a bigger problem than me mocking you. It may indeed be time for a little self examination if you find yourself laughing at that buffoon in the funny web story right up until the point you realized it was you. GO work on that. We are all here to support you.

ok, i confess... they aren't ALL my Ferarris

3) Of course there are times that I embellish a story or merge multiple examples into a single plot line. I call it creative license. If this is the first time you’ve ever heard a story retold in a manner that makes it more exciting, scary, humorous or exotic then I would suggest you’ve led a very sheltered life. In general, I tell it like I see it though, and try to avoid exaggerations. Yes, my life is often just this bizarre. I don’t plan it this way, I’m just generally too nosy and stupid to walk away when the poopie hits the rotors.As a result, what for most people would be a very short story – “I missed my train and had to catch another” – for me turns into a two hour adventure involving a missed train because I was busy trying to talk to an old toothless guy playing checkers with a heavily armed teenager resulting in the hiring of a driver who turns out to only have one eye to smuggle us across a border in order to catch up with the train at its next stop because it is the only train we can catch for another 24 hours and staying in the crummy little border town we found ourselves in overnight was not even remotely an option. See what I mean?

4) I write for one of two reasons – one because I feel compelled to, and while writing is work like any other task that requires patience, diligence and occasional frustration it is work that gives me more satisfaction than most. I also write because I’m an attention starved ego maniac who thrives on your positive attention and sincerely believes that my insane ramblings are quality entertainment for young and old alike. On any given day or or the other of those motivators may be driving me to a greater extent than the other. You can probably guess which one at any given point.

5) I am intensely lazy, a point I am sometimes proud of and sometimes not. What does this

sure sure, i'll write up another blog post just as soon as i finish my drink

mean for you? While I try to get at least one post out per week, it may not always work that way. Sometimes I get busy and don’t feel like it. Sometimes I have a week that is so shit-boring that my creative spark is more of a dull flicker. Sometimes I prioritize going out for drinks over writing. Actually quite often I prioritize going out for drinks over writing. I often will prioritize staying IN for drinks over writing as well. Its not that I don’t want to write…. well OK, yeah sometimes it is because I don’t want to write, but usually it’s just because I prefer to write something that I think is worth sharing as opposed to just writing because it’s been a certain number of days since I posted something to a blog that hardly anyone reads any way. (Thanks Mom! I appreciate you checking back often though!)

6) Some people of you reading this know who I work for, and who some of my past employers are. Others may be able to make reasonably intelligent guesses as to the identities of these corporate entities. I feel obligated to point out that my ravings and curses should are not intended to be reflective of these companies directly, but instead are meant as commentary on corporate life in general. Translation: If you are in a current or former employers legal department and are reading this, please don’t sue me. I’m not bad mouthing any company by name, and in fact have have considerable success personally and professionally working with these various companies. Even if they are all bat-shit crazy.

7) I swear a lot. If you don’t like it stop reading. And certainly don’t let your kids read this crap. While I firmly believe someone needs to prepare them for the blunt reality that is working life, I have intentionally avoiding having kids just so I don’t have to be saddled with that sad task. But hey, good for you. Thanks for keeping the species alive.

8 ) Yes, I frequently contradict myself. So do you. Deal with it.

9) If you have an amusing anecdote that you have shared with me, and I find it remotely relevant to this blog, yes, I will plagiarize the shit out of it. I may or may not give you credit. If I didn’t it’s probably because I forgot who told me the story in the first place. Remind me and you shall be rewarded handsomely. And by rewarded handsomely, I mean I consider myself handsome and it should be reward enough that I eventually give you credit for your own life. And yes, that does sound as egotistical as you think it does. What part of point number four didn’t register? I should also point out that all the photos and art used here are mine and mine alone, unless otherwise noted (so far they are all mine, but hey, you never know… I know a lot of extremely talented photogs and other visual artists whose work I admire and may want to use if allowed). I take copyrights very seriously on photographic art, and will always always always endeavor to ensure that the artist receives credit. If I’ve fucked this up in any case, please let me know and I will correct the oversight immediately.

10)  I am often asked, why if I find corporate life so ridiculous and aggravating do I keep doing it, and how did I even get into something so obviously against my personality in the first place. I should point out that while it is entirely correct I never intended to find a career in the paper-pushing arts, it is not so obviously anathema to me. After all, I’m just as crazy as the rest of the corporate world – these are my people. The terms duck and water, peanut butter and jelly, and of course toboggan and underpants come to mind actually. Of course I still hold out hope that one day I will find myself in a financially secure enough position that I can bail out of this life and live out the rest of my days frolicking on a beach someplace and writing absurd little observations for a living, but that day is a long long ways off.


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